Pain
by Haybell
Summary: Set in CoHF! This is what I think was going through Jonathan's mind in his final moments. Sucky summary but please give it a shot!


Disclaimer: I own nothing! It all belongs to the brilliant Cassandra Claire, no matter how evil she may seem. I also do not own any of these quotes.

"Forgiveness is the remission of sins. For it is by this that what has been lost, and was found, is saved from being lost again."

-Saint Augustine

"Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it."

-Mark Twain

Pain is defined as a distressing sensation in a particular part of the body but you can never quite understand pain until you feel it. I have felt pain in many ways all throughout my life. When I was a child I felt pain in more ways than one: physical and mental. I received the physical pain from my father in the form of beatings and the mental toll from knowing that my father and mother never really loved me.

As I grew up I was told that the only thing I was meant for was the destruction of all Downworlders and those who stood in my father's way. So I did just that. I destroyed anyone who got in my way and when my father died I continued on the same path of destruction, just with a different goal in mind.

I had wanted to control everyone and everything. I had wanted nothing more than to rule above everyone with my dear sister, Clary, by my side and my brother, Jace, along with us. My plans had worked perfectly, with just a few minor setbacks, and I had gotten to Edom with all of my army in tow. The only thing I still needed was Clary and she was already on her way.

I had thought everything would work out perfectly even seconds before my demise. I had been so happy that Clary was going to rule beside me. My thoughts had been clouded by my love for her which left me open to her defenses. My high had been shot down when my beloved Clary stabbed me through with her sword. Our family sword nonetheless. That was when I felt true pain. I felt the searing pain of the sword as heavenly fire leaked all throughout my body. I felt the pain of loss knowing that I had been used by the one person that I had been able to love. But none of that compared to the pain I felt inside my chest. My heart had been filled with things that had never been there before.

I felt for the first time regret at what I had done. I felt as if I had done all those cruel things to everyone but at the same time I didn't. I felt like I had been an observer throughout the whole ordeal, unable to lift a finger or blurt out a word to prevent it. It was as if all the darkness and hate that had filled me was dissipating in the air and I believed I could start anew.

I had opened my eyes to see my mother's tear streaked face and knew then that all the hate I had held for this woman's abandonment was gone because I could tell that she regretted all she had to done unto me as I did to her. Another new sensation had filled my once empty heart and I knew right away what it was. I had been overcome with love for this woman that I had scorned for so long.

I turned my head to see Clary coming to me as well. She had looked as if she were going to cry and I felt that pain rising up in me again. It was pain for all I had done to my sister and I couldn't help but apologize for all the things I had done, knowing that it would never make up for anything.

While I had been apologizing I felt myself slowly slipping away and I remembered Clary telling me that she forgave me right before it all ended. I knew that she had lied about forgiving me for all the wicked things I had done but it had filled me with peace knowing that she had cared about me enough to say something like that before I could hear no more.

Acts 3:19

Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.

"Every man should keep a fair sized cemetery in which to bury the faults of his friends."

-Henry Ward Beecher

"The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness."

-Honore de Balzac

Author's Note:

I don't know about all of you but I hated that in CoHF Jonathan dies. I wished there was someway that just Sebastian could die but saddly the wonderful Cassandra Claire couldn't let us off that easy.

I just felt like putting this on here because I didn't feel like we got to know much about the true Jonathan Morgenstern and this was just what I thought he probably felt about it all. Let me know what you all think and thank you for reading!

-Haybel


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